A blog for better streets and public spaces in Portland, Maine.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

How to Get Rid of Crosswalks in Saco

Annoyed by the need to yield to pedestrians? If you're lucky enough to live in of Saco, Maine, here's how you can get rid of those pesky crosswalks in three easy steps:

  1. Get drunk.
  2. Plow your car into an elderly lady using the troublesome crosswalk on her way to church.
  3. Traffic engineers will take care of the rest, and cite "safety concerns" to remove the crosswalk on your behalf.
It's that easy!

Some bleeding hearts might say, "wait a minute, how does taking out a crosswalk solve any safety concerns? In a busy downtown area, won't people walk across the street anyhow? Doesn't the crosswalk keep those pedestrians safe in most situations among law-abiding, sober motorists?"

How trite of you to focus on those little old ladies who can't drive anymore! Who is thinking about keeping the motorists safe - safe from scurrilous vehicular manslaughter charges? I'll tell you who is: Gorrill-Palmer, the traffic engineering firm that advised the City of Saco to delete two Main Street crosswalks.

Sure, some lousy pedestrians will continue to try to cross the street on foot, even without a crosswalk there. But now, without any legal crossings nearby, you'll be able to "teach them a lesson" without any fear of legal recourse!

So pedestrians, take notice: unless you're road kill, the City of Saco will not tolerate your presence on Main Street.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I bet it wouldn't be hard to use a can of white spray paint and some cardboard boxes to put the crosswalks right back.